Tuesday morning Eric drove me to see my primary care doc at Providence, a woman I adore. I want to know what precipitated my episode of a few weeks ago, causing me to drop into deep weakness and feeling death. So, blood tests (already back, nothing off) and a urine test (not back yet). Maybe get a new CT scan early, before August.
As a precaution, I called Providence Hospice last week, and a nurse came out to do the initial intake so that I would have a file there, and would only need to push the “start” button to get that system involved, when or if it becomes necessary. Still trying to get things in order so that I can save Eric as much as possible, when the time comes.
My primary care doc told us that my oncologist has signed off on me being ready for hospice, last week! I guess the hospice nurse contacted my oncologist as a follow up.
That is just so weird to me, for all kinds of reasons. Mostly just to hear that she thinks it is possible. That word, hospice, attached to my name. But also because I haven’t seen the oncologist since early in March; how could she certify that I am eligible to be a hospice patient? I certainly wasn’t then, nor am I now.
Our best guess is that she figures I am going to die soon from this cancer, and can’t really do much if anything to help me. So, perhaps she sees this as helping me out, something that she can do. In her world, people are dying all the time, of cancer. Poor woman.
I wonder if I need to find a new oncologist, one who has the capacity to entertain possibilities of a long, happy life for me. Know of any in the Providence system? Let me know.
So, a brush with death, an introduction to hospice, knowing that my oncologist is pretty sure I am going to die soon, and my internal resources are working overtime to take this all in, devise a new plan, and try not to start rushing myself in response. Breathe. And rebalance in what I know to be true, not what the docs might say. Hard to do in that force field, however kindly meant.
Chocolate chip cookies are the preferred route at the moment. O yeah.
And love, lots and lots of love, oodles of it.